after cheetah week, worm weekend

toxic valuation of work & self

My funky self-branded Cheetah Week ended successfully. I met up each morning to co-work for a few hours and finished the contract work on my docket. It was all WWII-related, so the vibe was a little dark. I went down rabbit holes on the women codebreakers who, along with other female workers, were forced back into the home after the war. Also, I read a lot about PTSD in veterans, and it is as bad as you can imagine.

I read and quit a book halfway through, went to pottery a few times, played some rowdy games of Catan, helped my daughter and her boyfriend move into their first apartment, went to the library, and visited a new-to-me plant store. Motivated, I then replanted my houseplants and made a commitment to be kinder to them and bought a few new ones.

By Saturday, I was systematically exhausted - my body, my brain, my emotional self all worn down. But it had been a good week. I deserved a day off, right? This is where things got hairy.

I am realizing that I have some toxic internalized talk that does not let me relax or guilts me the entire time. (I share here because I sense that it is common).

Part of it is my distracted personality - I am always looking for mental engagement. Then there is the financial precarity of being a freelance educator/writer with no job security or health benefits. Growing up, self-care was not modeled, and I created a myth that if I keep going and working, I will be worthy and above reproach.

All this in a hustle culture is not working for me.

Saturday, I felt like a loser. I wasted a day, took two mini naps, and could not get to my creative projects, which I have been dying to do. Ahhh…. the self-hatred was like a snare drum beating in my mind all day.

But then, I made a list of what I did.

I

• Got up at 7

• Made my daughter and me eggs and toast for breakfast

• Drove her to work

• Picked up my CSA

• Took the dogs out, lay in the hammock, and watched the leaves in the trees

• Make some quick art

• Took a nap

• Make pickles and pickled beans

• Made hard-boiled eggs

• Made popsicles

• Made beef jerky

• Made sun tea

• Made pimento cheese

• Made lunch for my son and me

• Repotted my big palm tree

• Planted my seedlings in the front yard

• Cleaned off the back porch

• Washed and put away dishes

• Vacuumed the house

• Took a shower

• Took another nap

• Started a new book (The God of the Woods by Liz Moore )

• Made a schedule for next week

• Went to Chipotle

• Ordered birthday presents

• Listened to a Poetry Foundation podcast with Hanif Abdurraqib (it was excellent)

• Went to visit my daughter at the new apartment and piddled around

That’s not bad.

I think you could call it “productive”, but really, most of the activities were the kind of self-care things I like to do. The things that often get pushed aside if there is paid work available. Activities like making food to stock the fridge feel creative and like a treat for later me, so why am I so willing to call them a waste of my time or devalue them?

I know why, because domestic work is unpaid and invaluable in our culture.

I am only worthy when I am making money.

When I was getting divorced, a career assessor was hired to decide my earning potential. He was paid $750 to interview and evaluate me (or note my lack of value). A specific and cold number would be legally attached to me like a price tag in his written report. This old white man had no clue about anything past 1979. He did not or could not understand how I made money online. Or that as a 50-year-old woman, I was not likely to get a job as a junior copywriter in an ad company. It was the darkest comedy I have been in.

So, it is no wonder that others and I struggle with this. Just realizing and understanding the forces at play in my mind seems to be a step in the right direction. I will still schedule Cheetah Weeks when I need to plow through work, but now I am working on creating something else, another animal-themed week (or weekend) seems to be in order. Maybe I can channel a magpie or a worm.

I saw a cute idea on Instagram from Emilia Marie Home on making your punch cards for activities (with a reward). She is adorable and earnest in a way I can’t conure right now, but I like the idea, so I made a punch card with the supplies lying around my desk (index card and markers).

I was tempted to make it task-oriented, like writing so many pages, attending a certain number of gym classes….all good ideas, but after this week, I decided to set a different goal: hours in the hammock. Five hours equals a 30-minute massage.

so janky but i love it

I am going to continue to fight for relaxation in my schedule. It’s a struggle, but one that’s worth it and will improve my health and life.

I would love to hear how you do self-care! Specifically, the mental leap of making it worthwhile and possible.

xo,

amy

• Wow! The Marginalia shared her pottery journey this week. I love what she is doing. I feel like pottery (or any creative pursuit) is so therapeutic, and she captures that in her essay.

• Made a version of this Broken Egg Salad and am sold. This made a perfect and filling lunch. I added in a chili crunch, and that was the kick it needed, I think.

• OCD on Oologies this week. Worth a listen! Learn what OCD is and isn’t so you can support those in your life.

• 1964 article in Time about how maybe a little domestic abuse is good for the timid man and his overbearing wife.

• Hanif Abdurraqib vs. Obsession on Poetry Magazine podcast.

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